ALL THINGS JONATHAN

Points of Pride

2011-12-07T13:45:00.001-08:00

I am not the crazy ex-girlfriend of any of my ex-boyfriends.
I think they would back me up on that.

(the photo has nothing to do with this post)

LIKE CRAZY

2011-11-14T22:53:00.001-08:00

I saw this movie last night. It reminded me of leaving the first (and only) man I ever romantically loved at the Athens airport. I was 20 years old

I like these bleak movies (Blue Valentine, The Beginners, maybe even an aspect of 50/50) about romance being very sweet and tumbly sometimes while being like getting repeatedly kicked in your heart's face at other times. I suppose I relate more to the latter, but the sweet and tumbly wrestling is worth it.

I think.
I'm pretty sure.

2011-10-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

I was in a room three thousand miles away and nothing seemed different yet.

Thorny Things I'm Thinking About.

2011-10-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

What if, despite all of your efforts to sweep things under the carpet, you just plain dislike someone?
What if they have tried their hardest and it does not begin to be good enough?
What if you can't stop thinking about it and you want to make things better but you cannot?
What if they deserve to know or could you sweep that under the carpet, too?
What if you got hurt?
What if you're still hurting?
What if you're just bored and that is why you are pausing to care enough at all?
What if you really want an appletini and you are afraid to order it in front of your date?

Found

2011-10-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I found this photo bookmarking a page in Susan Sontag's On Photography

"[Photographs] age, plagued by by the usual ills of paper objects; they disappear; they become valuable..."

PS- If you know the book, you know that this is taken from the second page. I assure you I read the gd book. And, considering I brought it along with only a couple dozen books across the country, I assume I plan to read it again.

French Fried Whatever

2011-10-02T10:15:00.001-07:00

To be Updated "More Often"

Check it out at caileen is nice village

2011-10-01T20:52:00.001-07:00

day - night

2011-10-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

The best games of hide and seek conclude with you finding Buzz Lightyear in your room- trying on your pantyhose.

2011-09-28T10:08:00.001-07:00

I regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world operates according to different rules than my regular human world. - Mindy Kaling

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/10/03/111003sh_shouts_kaling#ixzz1ZGfdSQrv

Holler At Yer Boy.

2011-09-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

Found this on a piece of paper:

"Art is everywhere. It's only seeing that stops now and then..." - John Cage

Maybe I'll Take a Photo.

2011-09-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

Some guy who invites ladies to his apartment to photograph them nude. The photographs remind me of being a freshman in college, some nipples through diaphanous something. The girl look confused, awkward, holding a breast up to her mouth (why would you do that?) and you can tell she's thinking "I am an actress. This will be great for my portfolio. I hope he photoshops these into black and white. Maybe I'll sleep with him now. Wonder if I can get my whole nipple in my mouth.."

There's No Excuse Not To Spellcheck

2011-09-11T23:26:00.001-07:00

We never really ate alphabet soup as kids, but I've a pretty good feeling I'd have fished around the bowl so that the letters would land as words in my spoon- kind of like the way I'd only step on the horizontal squares of the parquet wood flooring. George is obsessed with his cars. Yesterday he tried to climb the play structure at Patricia's Green with three cars tucked in the crook of his arm.

Kids are crazy cool.
I feel in a good place- the least angry I have been in almost two full years. Maybe more. Probably more.

Everything Bagel

2011-09-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

When people ask me what I want to do (which they are wont to do (homonyms, what's up) now that I am unemployed in a new city) I respond, "I don't know," take a big swig of beer, "I'm on vacation."

What I mean to say is, "Well, I want to be a photographer, graphic designer, a writer & I want to tutor kids in writing while being a certified personal trainer. I want to start a business where I take photos of kids because they are the only people worth photographing because they are still honest. I also would like to marry a rich man who gives me money to start some frivolous company that I know is a joke, but it takes up my time and I can go on 10 mile runs every day, midday, whenever. I also never want to get married because I don't trust men and I am worried I might actually one day ask my husband this question, 'Yeah, well then let me smell IT, Stephen.' I wanna be well-known but not famous. I want to work hard, but not live to work. I want to do everything and I am scared to death that I will, in fact, do nothing."

So, I don't know. I don't really want to be asked that question. I got some figuring to do in the meantime, though, hey?

2011-08-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

I am moving to California in one week and I have nothing in place WHICH IS VERY COOL.

The Bible: And She Saw That It Kinda Sucked

2011-07-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

You know how in the creation story, g-bird is making all these things (ie. light, water, land)? You do? Well, then you know that upon surveying it all, the mystery author writes, g-slice is all, "And he saw that it was good."

Well, that is where I am with New York. EXCEPT, in this de-creation story, I would like c-dog to be quoted as saying,

"And it all seemed very bad & everybody seemed shitty, so Caileen had to leave New York."

I guess this story is a little more like Noah's Ark. I just wanted to liken myself to GOD, duh!

Anyway, enough with this biblical stuff. I just wanted to express my excitement to leave New York City in my own Boeing Ark in a few weeks.

Escapism, (For Raymond Carver After Reading "Romanticism" (for Linda Gregg, after reading "Classicism"))

2011-05-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

The nights are hazy lately. When the moon begins to peek through the window, we are far from morning.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

Family time!

2011-04-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

She said
On her birthday
"Now I've lived longer than he ever will have"

We just nodded

High School

2011-04-08T09:08:00.001-07:00

It's funny, I was way more creative in high school because I was stuck in this spot & I just wanted to make anything- so badly. Now I can do whatever I want and [______________________________]

Henry Withdrawal Syndrome.

2011-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

I need to fly out to California to draw some planes on fire with this dude.

Balls

2011-03-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

I tiptoed back from the bathroom into my new room, my first morning waking up in Greece, or in any country other than my own. I remember looking at him, sprawled out, face-down, spread eagle in my bright white room thinking, “His balls. They are all over my sheets…”

I perched at the edge of the bed, as far from his sleeping big toe as I could get. I cupped my forehead in my hands and thought the thought familiar to college coeds studying abroad worldwide, “What. the fuck. happened last night?” I knew this was my room. I knew I had my wallet, my bra, and I knew I had my passport. I also knew that the balls flattened against my sheets belonged to Billy. Boston Billy.

He arrived to the bar later than the rest of us. “Yooooooo!” he declared with his arms in the air, his t-shirt proudly stating, “Cambridge 02142”. I was in love. Together, we replaced our bloodstreams with a steady flow of Mythos beer. We all danced into each other, sweating, yelling brand new words we had learned from chuckling bartenders. Hours earlier we boarded the Blue Star ferry at Piraeus port in Athens. As the ferry approached the dock at our destination 3 hours later, it turned slowly, backing into the island as a large door slowly opened its mouth to a wash of white and blue; all to an eery MIDI version of Fur Elise. We had arrived.

On the plane to Athens I dozed off to a movie in which a famous heiress was being hunted down in some creaking moaning haunted house. I remember being pulled into sleep thinking about how in the world I was going to catch the last twenty minutes of House of Wax while abroad. Awaking, I watched as we skated miles above the Atlantic and into a Wednesday morning sunrise that was taking place hours too early.

Tuesday afternoon, in the back of the minivan we briefly and unnecessarily owned, my mother and I headed to JFK. “I want to make sure I see you go,” my Mom explained when I protested the four-hour cushion we had given ourselves between our arrival at the airport and my departure. The dense traffic we experienced en route gifted her a small silent victory. As I heaved my suitcase onto the Check-In counter, weighing in at a hefty 67 pounds, I caught her tear up.

“Ma, you ok?”
She brushed the tears to the side of her head and told me “Just be careful.”

I had been careful. In public bathrooms, I always washed my hands for thirty seconds, roughly the span of the Happy Birthday song like Oprah told me. I wore my seatbelt. I stopped fully at stop signs. I wore my top and bottom retainer every night. I arrived early to everything. But here I was, not 36 hours after my mom’s advisory, staring at this unfamiliar white ass. Do I wake him up? Do I poke him with something? As I surveyed the room for an object for the task at hand, he stirred. Rolling over he smiled sweetly and said, “Yo.” All caution went out the window. At that moment, whether I knew it or not, those balls on my sheets had become my balls.

Something to look forward to.

2011-03-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.

-Raymond Carver, Happiness

Please Excuse Me

2011-02-23T12:30:00.001-08:00

I am going through a mid-twenties crisis here.

The Monster

2011-01-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

I wish I were under 42 inches tall, I thought as I stared up at the spindly yellow tracks poking out from the trees and descending back down at an unnatural angle, barely glazing the impossibly still glass water sitting inches below before it swoops back up again; I am tall, but I am surely too young to die, I continued my frets listening to joyfully terrified screams above and below, shaking the wooden box building as it held at least 200 other eager thrill-seekers such as my 7 year-old self, but then he just cupped my small trembling hand as if he were about to tell the most exciting story he had ever heard and he looked into my small face and said to me, Ceeny this is going to be so much fun, you'll scream so loud and your stomach will turn and you will want to just spew all over the place but then it takes you upside-down and you’ll be like “omigod omigod” and you will want to do it again and again forever, he talked in circles as he lowered the thick black harness to its resting place, an uncomfortable distance from my lightly freckled shoulders,he buckled the seat belt into the base tugging to make sure I would remain with him the whole way, It is going to be fun and I am going to be right here the whole time, and, just like, that, we climbed the 190 foot chain-lift to the top of the aptly named Loch Ness Monster, my big brother and I, together.

Sexy Pens

2011-01-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about this because I recently met someone and his handwriting is just sexy.

Tools For Survival

2010-12-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

Using anger as a tool to deal with anything is dumb. It would be like using a carton of chocolate milk to hammer a nail into a wall. You just make a big mess. But it's there. This big container of full-fat sort of delicious anger.

Oh, I don't know.

:)

2010-12-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

The Shoe

2010-11-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

[This is from an assignment for a writing class, in which we were told to write a sentence that is 250+ words. I am going to re-write this into real sentences because I hate long sentences more than anything.]

Mom was cool and collected fixing various breakfasts that early Fall morning as six or seven of us looped swooped and pulled our soft leather school shoes around our small pancake feet while that one child inevitably fidgeted in the shadowed corner of the kitchen, missing that one school shoe, quietly taking siblings to the side asking have you seen, while avoiding Mom’s attention as she carefully cooked a couple dozen eggs, two combs holding her soft hair away from her face; this was the case of the missing school shoe, a weekly occurrence if not more frequent, seemingly avoidable in retrospect because surely you would take care to keep track of both shoes together, but when Monday afternoon half hour of television starts and there are only 6 bean bags since Timmy was thrown onto the red one by the twins resulting in the most epic bean spillage ever known followed closely by a never ending chain reaction of giggles in the timeout corner, well, lets say the lone shoe got lost in the chaos of the afternoon resulting in this, the 7am search which was furiously underway, in closets stuffed with rainbows of jackets, hats and mittens, under beds filled with shoes lost weeks before, under the aforementioned community of beanbags and, nothing- defeated, said child moped back into the kitchen, now filled with children crunching on English muffins, ready to finally ask for her help as Mom turned around from her emptied pan, smiling, revealing the lost shoe, sitting innocently on the counter, Looking for something?

On Girlhood.

2010-11-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

Maybe the single most annoying part of being a girl is this feeling of "I don't care, I don't care I really really don't care (oh except, yes I do, I care a lot) I don't care." All of a sudden, a month or a season or a street belongs to someone else and not to you.

Ain't that some shit?
Not like I care or anything, though.

How to delicately inform the heedless mass of injudicious bloggers in this expansive universe of their SHIT WRITING:

2010-11-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Using lots and lots (and LOTS) of adverbs and adjectives doesn't make you a good writer. It just gives me a excruciating headache.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm just sayin'.

NYC Marathon

2010-11-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

I ran (and, in the later miles, limped) the New York City Marathon this past weekend. Best part was, about 150 meters from the finish line, looking up to the stands on my right, seeing my mom, blowing a big fat kiss, and blasting through the finish line!

Strange Things On Paper

2010-11-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

I like when stuff like this happens. This is why I will always be analog underneath.

When Someone Puts To Words An EXACT Sentiment You Could Not.

2010-10-26T19:46:00.001-07:00

"[His Stomach] warned him not to mistake the pain of losing her for an active desire to have her."
- Jonathan Franzen, Freedom

Awesome.

The Very Bad News

2010-10-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

I was headed home that night anyway. I had a dentist appointment in the morning, so I hopped on an 8 o’clock train to Tuckahoe Station where I was greeted by a familiar hand waving out the window of an unfamiliar car. A door opened to reveal my Mom, sadly smiling (though I had no way of identifying it as such at that very moment, right?) in my direction. She was riding in the passenger seat of Aunt Steen’s car.

This was not unusual. Aunt Steen often came up on Wednesday nights to watch a television show about dancers tangoing with past-prime celebrities. What happened next, however, was markedly unusual. My mom proceeded to follow me into the backseat of the car, keeping her eyes closely on me. I thought for a moment about her placement in the car. The front seat was empty. Did she want to gossip about this new “fellow” I had mentioned to her earlier in the week? Not likely. She put her arm around me and snuggled up in a playful manner. Maybe she did want to gossip about the boy. She said to me, “So we got some bad news today,”

And this is where the bad news came in. I got news like this once before. When I was twelve years old, my friend was killed in a car accident and I remember being called to my parents’ room and hearing words fall from their mouths and separate on the floor. This is what I heard my mother say; Dad, pancreas, spot, doctor. I said, “That’s really bad, isn’t it?” In response, she poured so many other words on me, assuring phrases like more tests, all that we can do, staying positive, all of us, all together.

The drive home was no more than 4 or 5 minutes up a hill. Mom told me there were some people over. I walked into the house, which felt only slightly warmer than the cool October evening, and there he was. On a small couch with his arm stretched out across the length of it. My Dad. When I walked in the room, everyone stopped speaking to look over and he smiled knowingly. I hugged him, burying my head in his chest and I said, “Hi Daddy.”

Old Habits Die Hard

2010-10-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Agatha, 2006 + Agatha, 2009

Aggie's Pool

2010-10-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of things:

-I know this is very old as, 1) Agatha is a little woman now. Actually, she's pretty much a regular-sized woman and 2) this pool no longer stands (sadface)

-I promise I am starting to develop and photograph all new things! I just wanted to share this and, well I make the rules here.

Decorating Chaos

2010-10-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Porch Life.

2010-10-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

Something Lighthearted to call it a day

2010-10-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Monsieur Henry On His Throne "Don't Bodder Me!" , April 2009

Tiny Hospital

2010-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

George's Girls

2010-10-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

All five sisters went together to the florist. I cannot stand the smell of flowers.

2010-10-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

Get Ready / Not Prepared

So See-Through

2010-10-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'd have clawed at anything.

Playthings

2010-10-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

I was scanning a bunch of saddy sad sad photos, so I decided to mix it up with this tasty combo.
What do you like to play with?

Rant: Fashion

2010-09-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

I want to write this responsibly, without a voice that is too angry and too fed up, but with sound mind. So, you know, Om. Namaste, Downward Dog, Savasana and friends.

Let’s do this. This article, titled “Heels on Wheels”, appeared in The New York Times Thursday Styles section today. It was brought to my attention first, via Twitter, by my good friend Hanly Banks. I, still in bed, clicked on the link (on my super-chic smart phone), read that the main character in the article was a woman named Topaz, and clicked right out.

When I arrived at work two hours later, my boss had just read the article. “Can you believe none of these women are wearing helmets?!” she asked me.

And I couldn’t. I couldn’t believe it. At that point, I decided to sit down and read it. I could only read about two sentences at a time without yelling lines out to the office, “fluttery skirts, capes and kitten heels,”…
“Roadways are the new runways” REALLY?!

So as it turns out, I can’t write this in a subdued tone, because this shit drives me crazy. This is the idea that we, as women, especially as women in New York, should just LUURVE Fashion. Fashion! Live for it! Die for it! Fashion Martyr! I made it through New York Fashion Week another year and, not two weeks later, I have to read this nonsense?

Who are these women? Why do we care so much about fluttery capes? Kitten heels? Low-carb diets? Then there is the fashion blogger. This is a woman who writes about fashion. A woman who tackles hard-edged issues like sparkling shoes, cashmere capes and the occasional stand-out article on baubly bangles. Are we meant to think in this way? Think in terms of chenille, draping and varying shades of crème colors? Do we really live in a world in where your sexiness can be accredited to the height of your heels and your intelligence equated to whether or not you have packed the necessary flats in your bag for the walk to the subway?

I could go on for days and days on this, but I am going to end it with these words,

READ A FUCKING BOOK.
And, whether you ride your bike in spandex or in Prada, WEAR A FUCKING HELMET.

We Used To Wait

2010-09-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

My friend and I started a pen pal relationship. I guess it's equal parts therapy and art project (ART PROJECT!). In each envelope, we said we'd send both a letter (about anything) and a piece of "art". She lives in Canada with her husband (her husband!).

I am patiently-ish awaiting her response. It's an excitement I haven't felt in years.
PS - Hand writing a letter is a WEIRD awesome feeling!

2010-09-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

I
AM
TOTALLY
OVERWHELMED

Checking In.

2010-09-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am going to:

-blog
-take pictures
-read this stack of 18 books
-make myself a chicken burger for lunch

Those Cold Feet

2010-08-23T05:30:00.001-07:00

Watch out for the cold feet, they had been told by a talking pair of scrubs and so they saddled up closely watching for any changes, watching the tiny black hairs on his face creep up through sweating salty pores (that mechanism was still working inside of him, whatever it was) watching as if through thick glass (wanting to touch but not touching wanting to talk but not talking wanting to cry but definitely not crying) biting nails, twirling hair, tapping feet, nervously joking, counting the days, far less than one hundred, since they had first heard those words, multiple, malignancies, metastasized and watching, wondering what was happening underneath that vast thick layer of skin, where it was growing and what color and what it was doing there and why it could not be stopped, just watching in nervous silence (minus the buzzing fluorescent lights, minus the endless traffic of rolling beds careening down the halls, minus the incessant beeping of the IV) as if there were something to be caught, something that could be trapped and swept into a dustpan and thrown out in a tied up grocery store bag and everybody could go home, detach the wires and the tubes, make the bed, have some laughs, pay some goddamn hospital bills and take him home and just go home but instead they sat waiting, watching for those cold feet they couldn’t bear to touch.

Roaring Twenties.

2010-08-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

I keep whining about birthdays. I'm young. I am not afraid of getting old, nor do I see that happening at any point in the future. Some days I feel younger than ever, wanting to break out of work and just ride my bike to my parents' house, knock on Meg O'Malley's door and play until nightfall. Lying on the freshly-chalked sidewalk, we'd hear the dreaded, familiar and painfully punctual whistle of my mother. The whistle produced by two fingers under her tongue, gliding up and over at least 3 rooftops to our pink ears.

That's how I like to feel anyway. In reality, it's all working to pay your rent. It's people moving away, on, up, and out. It's constant heartbreak. It's disappointment. In that, though, there are small things that lighten everything, that make you feel like a child again. When your brother remembers he could throw your body down in an almost epileptic fit simply by touching your neck. When your friend tells you she loves you, just because. When the boy from junior high, who you always crushed on, sends you a short note to say he does care.

Nobody ever warns you about how lonely and terrible your twenties can be; about how you are no more equipped to deal with some things than you were in Kindergarten. Still, I am looking for beauty in people and places.

If I can't find it, I am plugging my ears and spinning and spinning and spinning until I fall softly into some grass.

2010-06-22T10:33:00.001-07:00

I like when you are walking down the street past some dudes and they start to turn to check out your ass before you've even passed them. It's slick as shit

Hey Guys!

2010-03-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

When I die, I am coming back as a Real Doll.
My boyfriend is going to LOOOOOOOVE Me!

One of Dem Days

2010-03-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

don't take it personal!

SAHRY!!

2010-03-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

I had a mimosa. Ok, I had two. Whatever, blog, I'm being honest and it was delicious.
Also, I blogged like a year+ ago that I was going to yoga that day and I NEVER WENT. STILL HAVEN'T!!!

Late Lent

2010-02-22T07:59:00.000-08:00

Today I am beginning my own 40 Days.

Here are my three things:

1. No Alcohol
2. No Men (easy breezy)
3. Write for at least 30 minutes each day (non-blog, preferably with a pen)

Basically it's 40 days of total self-absorption and I couldn't be more excited!

LOL

2010-02-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

Two things are making me laugh tonight:
1. Fake titty sideboob.
2. The scene in Dumb & Dumber with Sea Bass. "Sea Bass offered to pick up or tab"

Once I publish this post and look at these two images so close together, I will begin laughing and I will likely never stop.

It's all your fault, Channing Tatum!

2010-02-18T11:43:00.001-08:00

I'm about to snort like ten lines of Yaz, go see Dear John & call all my ex-boyfriends in chronological order starting at 3am!

JK LOL SMILEY FACE :-)

Oh Tisk Tisk Tiki

2010-02-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

So Tiki Barber opens this place called Flywheel, which is an indoor cycling gym. At $30 a ride, or a $180 monthly membership, I LOL.
This is a perfect example of taking something fairly simple (that you can do at most any gym), jacking up the prices (and therefore jacking up the exclusivity), and having total boner musclecocks shell out a REtarded amount of money to, um, sweat on a bike that NEVER MOVES ANYWHERE!!!

Now I know what to do with all that pesky cash I've been stuffing in my empty Whey Protein containers.
What a relief. Thanks Tiki.

1 800 APPLE CARE

2010-02-14T08:17:00.000-08:00

"Umm, hi, yeah... I peed on my MacBook and now it doesn't seem to be working...?"

Tackses and Centses

2010-02-13T18:21:00.001-08:00

Taxes done. Ready for Census!

Gym Rats

2010-02-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

I realized I was in my "mid-twenties" this week when I kept "running into people" at the gym (when did you all join?)

I guess I will realize I'm in my early thirties when I stop seeing people there and also when I look down and can't see my dick in the shower cause of my belly.

PS: JK on the dick in the shower
PPS: because my dick is HUGE!!11

Tweeting all over her Facebook after No Foursquare at all!

2010-02-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Did you hear that, in 2009, approximately 20% of newlyweds met on the INTERNET***?
Well, this Valentine's Day, I want to say NO to the internet, people! So, I'd like to publicly tell match.com, eharmony & okcupid that, NO, NO NO NO, I do not want for to meet teh man on teh internetz so stop e-mailing me!!!

***I have no problem with online dating for anyone else. It is simply not my bag.

On Dad

2010-02-02T08:21:00.001-08:00

I know that 99% of this blog is dedicated to facetious jokes and all thing silly (read: the name Jonathan). I wanted to take this moment to address someone amazing- my Dad. To put it in a nutshell, he is the only man who could ever get away with calling me a "Babe Ruth-nosed, sausage-lipped little pig" without inheriting two instantaneous black eyes.

Last Tuesday, after the seemingly longest AND shortest battle, my father passed away from a very aggressive cancer.

He is the love of my life so far; the only man who ever loved me unconditionally, no matter what.
I am heartbroken and will miss him terribly. I love you Daddy.

Love,
Your Ceeny

PS - Now that you're watching over me, I probably can't date any more dickheads, huh?

New Kid On The Block?

2010-01-20T08:40:00.001-08:00

"Yeah, my neighbor is KIND of an asshole"

WOMEN of 2010

2010-01-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

I like the message this Silbert Medal-winning book gives to young girls; Women can ALMOST do anything they set their minds to!
If not, you could always slap on your adult diaper and go for a 13-hour drive to kill a bitch. Yeah. Boy.

Purple.

2010-01-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

I'm Back because some lady in front of me at Dunkin Donuts was ordering "Two glazed donuts.. an egg white sandwich-umm a medium coffee and- OH! Some Grape Drink." Then Kelly Rowland was playing "when love takes overrr-ee-yeaah-ee-yah" and I realized I hadn't blogged. I dunno. You had to be there

Break-Up Music

2009-11-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

I was just listening to a song from this album (which will remain unnamed) I listened to after my ex-boyfriend did a bunch of mean stuff to make me sad. Oh man, it's bad.

What is that about?
Was I trying to make things even worse?

FYI CANADA.

2009-11-17T07:41:00.000-08:00

lol-ympics.blogspot.com

Chick Lit

2009-10-08T09:45:00.001-07:00

If a picture is worth 1000 words, this cover, to me, reads as 500 "FUCK YOUs".
Honestly, there are so many people in the world who can't read and the ones who can choose to read this toilet paper.

NO COMPROMISE!!!!!!!

2009-10-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

I sit at work from about October 1 - April 30th freezing my ass off because the window breeze blows right on me. However, I don't seem to consider it necessary to stop drinking ice cold water all day.

PS- on an unrelated note, while googling "ice water" for an image, I learned you burn calories drinking ice water! SCORE ME! I'm working out right now, sitting in my fit flops, drinking water!!!

Willendorf

2009-09-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

I want a tattoo of the Venus of Willendorf. Under it, it'll read YOU RULE.

YOU RULE.

eck

2009-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I keep opening this window, writing something, highlighting it, and deleting.

viva la blog.

PENIS!

2009-09-16T10:43:00.001-07:00

PENIS!

(I've been sucking at blogging. You are suffering. I am sorry)

K-ALIENz

2009-09-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I usually give an alias at restaurants or coffee places or use the name of the person I'm with to avoid confusion. Lately, I've decided to switch it up & to give my name in order to see what delightful spellings people construct.

When (infrequently) asked for spelling, I say "Take a stab at it, hombre."

Kaylyne
Kalien
Kaileen
Kayleen
K-Lean

It's basically like people pick a bunch of those fridge magnets- a K, an L, a couple of Es and an N- and just toss 'em out. Everything but the cake. It's a useless game. Small pleasures, friends, small pleasures.

Married as Children

2009-08-05T07:58:00.001-07:00

Why are all my 23/24 year-old friends getting engaged?
These are the same people who barely have jobs, who barely can count to 100.

Hi people, welcome to the future. We are all going to live to be 120 with Willard Scott having his own cryogenically frozen head spitting out 2 hour-long daily newsfeeds of "With A Name Like Smuckers" in 2070. And you're gonna be stuck with the same sagging fleshball for 80 years after THAT auspicious honor.

Mazel Tov!

An Open Letter To Hissing Men.

2009-07-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Men on the street who hiss (and, really, what is that, really though?),

I am going to start hissing back.

Ssssssssssinccccccccerely,

CMFK

NY's Best Burgers again & again & again

2009-07-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Dear New York Magazine / New York Times / Wall Street Journal / The L Magazine / etc,

Please stop profiling New York's best burgers/pizza/hot dogs every other day. It is just some writer's way of copping 7 or 8 free meals. Don't you know this already?

Please stop.

All My Best,
CMFK

Things I hate & People I love.

2009-07-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that I feel much more flattered when someone says to me, "Caileen I found/saw/heard something you would HATE!" than when someone says "Caileen I saw something you would DIE FOR!" ?

I just think it means said person knows me better.

**** I used "then" inappropriately. I fixed it. :(

Creepy Dreams

2009-06-21T19:10:00.001-07:00

Mid-day naps are a bad idea because then you wake up, see people, and are faced with the struggle of pretending you weren't kidnapping an 8 year-old boy in a bakery just 5 minutes ago.

HOW?

2009-06-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

How does Dannon get away with this?

A couple of years ago, Dannon started marketing this 80 calorie Light N Fit Yogurt, which had previously been (gasp) 100 fatty fat fat humongous calories. Upon grabbing one from my mom's fridge, however, I noticed it was no health breakthrough. They had simply made a smaller cup of yogurt. Imagine my surprise when Dannon recently emerged with a SIXTY calorie pack. These exorcised twenty calories are not a product of vast chemical engineering. Rather, Dannon simply lobbed off another 2 ounces of yogurt off the top again.

Why does this piss me off so much? I will tell you why.

You know when you get a delicious turkey sandwich on a toasted roll with the perfect melty cheese factor? How about when, one bit into said sandwich, your brother comes along asking for a bite. You begrudgingly allow him "JUST ONE" and, upon grabbing your beautiful turkey baby in his hands, he somehow unhinges his jaw and annihilates half your sandwich in one clean sweep.

What Dannon is doing is akin to your brother handing you back the sandwich and saying, "Here's your diet Turkey Sandwich. You're Welcome!"

Fuck you Dannon. Fuck you brothers.

F. U. CA

2009-06-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Stop taking my people.

Simple Happy.

2009-05-26T20:17:00.001-07:00

Let me preface this by saying I am not preaching anything to anybody.

I get a lot of time to be snarky and cynical and poke fun at the stupid shit American Apparel actually sells in exchange for money. I guess this is because I am generally a happy person. I have a solid amazing family headed by two loving completely selfless people and I am really blessed. I've never really had to "rough it" in any big way and if I did, I'd have the most solid support system a person could have. I am simply happy.

This is something that my nephews, especially Henry, reflect every day. I soak up the time with him because he is so perfect, so simply pure (not to sound like a bottled water ad). He can rebound from even the most tragic shortage of ice cream in a matter of seconds. We spend the day running around and falling, choking on laughter. He pokes parts of my face and I make different noises to correspond with my eyes (beeeep), nose (glurp), chin (boooomp) and ears (zeeeeep!). Sometimes he gets a little excited and ends up scratching a part of my cheek off. At this point, I'll get stern with him, because I am supposed to. At this point he asks me "Are you happy, Ceen?", a phrase he will repeat and repeat until he hears what he wants to hear.

"Are you happy Ceen? You Happy? You Happy Ceen? Are you Happy Ceen?"

Yes, Henry, I'm happy. (then he is happy, too)

So, on a departure from that happiness, which in the past months I have grown into, today I had a really strange experience. I got off work a little early and started to head to the gym. I switched trains at 59th street and I saw him. Standing in the middle of the platform was a Hispanic boy, no older that twenty years old. Strung over his shoulders was a large sandwich sign that explained his name was Felix, that he had lost his arms in "an accident" and anything you could do to help would be so appreciated. This was written in bold red letters, both in Spanish and in English. While waiting for the B train, I looked over at the sign and at the small bit of each arm poking from either side. The train took a little while to come, and at some point I looked at his face. He looked fucking miserable and embarrassed to be standing there with that stupid fucking sign while 90% of the platform ignored him or, worse, stopped to read the sign only to walk on.

I was scared to death of this kid, but I knew if I didn't make any gesture to him, I would kick myself maybe forever. Right as the train came, I grabbed a stupid dollar out of my bag, slid it into the backpack he had strapped on his chest and looked at him face-to-face. I quickly turned and ran on the train and just lost it. I put my face in my hands and the tears came so fast they were shooting down my arms. I was thinking of my brother Timmy, of my Mom, of Henry and this poor fucking kid. If you know me, you know I am not one to succumb to big displays of emotion, so I was confused as to where this rush came from (and no, I am not PMSing). Something just hit me hard.

I don't know what I am trying to say here. It was just basically good to stop being so callous and feel a bit for a little while. To realize that worrying about your being single or being unemployed or being 5 pounds too heavy is so so so so useless. Not to say that these aren't relevant things in anyone's everyday, but it's good to take step back, breathe a second, and be thankful. So maybe tomorrow I will let that guy have his stupid waxed mustache and his dumb acid-washed skinny jeans with rainbow suspenders. Maybe I will let that slide....

...because there's so much I have to be happy about.
So many people I have to be thankful for.

I hope you do, too.

Not Cool .com

2009-05-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

Every time I google a symptom, the internet tells me I probably have syphilis.

swollen lymph nodes? syphilis
aching knee? syphilis
cramps? syphilis
splinter in your finger? Syphilis. Definitely syphilis.

On an unrelated note, sounds like douchebags finally moved into the "Musicians Hotpad" on th 1st floor. I foresee a lot of yelling out my window on Tuesday nights.

Fetish

2009-05-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

I officially have a fetish. They're like those naked cats, except sexy (and still probably assholes).
Mmmmmm.

Sorry

2009-05-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my blog. I've been busy with these dudes. I wish.

OH AA

2009-04-28T09:43:00.001-07:00

When I look at this douche chill in head to toe spandex, I am too busy thinking "Yeast Infection" to think of Spring.

THE FUTURE IS NOW

2009-04-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

I just watched my nephew for a minute on videochat while my sister peed.

Devirginization Station

2009-04-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try Yoga tomorrow morning. I feel like if I write it here I have to go, cause you three people will have seen that I claimed I was gonna do it. If I don't do it, I'll feel mega-pussy.

In related news, how can I get this dude's number? WHOA!

PS - The three people includes me OBVS

A Beautiful Mind

2009-04-21T13:17:00.001-07:00

This is the Math Equation I have been working on for 23+ Years.
Now what?

Why I Can't Land A Man - REASON #347

2009-04-06T13:15:00.001-07:00

rbates52: what do you know about hunts point?
me: not much at all
why you moving?
Sent at 4:12 PM on Monday
rbates52: no, i just hear lots of hookers hang out there at night
me: cunts point
rbates52: youre a classy chick
me: i know
thats what they say

Open letter To Mme. Nature

2009-04-06T12:22:00.001-07:00

You're doing a DOPE job so far! Keep it up mah lady!

Simultaneous Life Ruining and Life Betterment

2009-03-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

The chickens my neighbors keep are ruining my sleep. They have always been "around", however in this transition between cold and "less-cold" I've been keeping my heater off and they have been keeping more chickens. You don't know the horrifying screeching noises these motherfuckers make.

However, keeping that in mind makes a chicken sandwich taste 8,000x more delicious.

Oh God, Ew.

2009-03-23T07:38:00.001-07:00

Seriously, ew. no. no

NO!

I have no idea what this blog is about anymore.

2009-03-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Duh

2009-03-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

I don't have the words.

Help, I'm Alive

2009-03-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'd like to be Emily Haines, except I'd replace all the drugs with Strawberry Sour Belts, which means I'll need that outfit in Hefty Bag Lawn and Leaf Size.

Nooo Problem!

Dear PETA, WTF, -Caileen

2009-03-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

I stayed quiet for too long. I even laughed quietly to myself when you had some poor white dudes standing outside the Westminster Dog Show dressed at members of the Klan (yeah, that Klan).

But, seriously, PETA, seriously, W T F?

Ecto Cooleen

2009-02-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

A one J. Bembenek said to me a few months back

"You Are Slimer"

With no explanation or anything. Anywho, I was really flattered. Still am. Need these sneakers.

Peevin'

2009-02-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

(image c/o google search: New + York + boners)

This is my Number One Peeve for today.

When someone does something or says something unsavory and another person reacts in opposition, said "unsavory" person spits back, "YEAH WELL WELCOME TO NEW YORK"

BECAUSE DATS WUT WE DOEZ IN NEW YORK WE FUK SHIT UP WE JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK BECUZ WE IS FROM DAH HOOD IN COLUMBUZZZ OHIO AND WE JUZZ MOVED INTO OUR GLASS AND STEELE APARTMENT OFF BEDOFRD AVENUE 3 MUNFZZ AGO!! DONT GIVE A FUZZXXXXXXXK.

Whatever Whatever

2009-01-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I do have a sneaking suspicion that I might be a genius.
I also think I am prettier and smarter than everyone I know.

No biggie.